What do you do when you are absolutely free to choose?

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This is a problem for me... I know it should be a simple answer: Do whatever it is you feel like doing. The problem is that when left absolutely free to choose, I would generally rather sleep. Most days (when not having to work at 7am), I set my alarm for around 9-10am or so, hit the snooze until around 11 or noon. I then get up, turn on the tv and check websites for about a half hour or so, and then I fall back to sleep. If I actually get out of bed on many of those days, it's around 3 or 4pm, in order to move to the couch, watch movies, and take a nap with my cat. Does this sound familiar to anyone else?

The thing is, the thought of actually doing anything other than sleeping is so overwhelming to me because I feel positively exhausted. Now, I have tried various things to "get myself moving." I've mentioned my bf is a physical therapist, and he feels that if I get more exercise, I'll feel better. This is what spurred me to start walking more often, and even to go running the other day. Unfortunately when I get home from exercise, I often feel ready for a nap. What is up with this fatigue? It would be one thing if my sleep was actually restful, but it's really not... The more I rest and sleep, the more exhausted I really am. I realize this is a common known fact about sleeping too much...

So what is it? Chronic pain? Depression? Pure laziness? A combination of all of those? Perhaps...although I don't like to think of myself, someone with 2 bachelor degrees and who was once truly a very driven person, as generally lazy. I'd say there have been other changes to turn this once type-A person into someone so exhausted that she can hardly get out of bed most days. My psychiatrist seems to think it is because I would rather sleep than deal with some of the more difficult things going on in my life. I would agree with this at least to some degree!

Part of the problem is that I don't really know how to be the driver in my own life. I'm so used to having my time structured for me on so many different levels. When left free to choose, all I really feel is empty. And in order not to feel the emptiness, I sleep. Over the past few years, I have cut out most of my friendships, and the closest relationships I have now are with my parents, my bf, and my psychiatrist, frankly! So, I guess that would leave a person feeling somewhat empty... I do actually like being alone a lot of the time, but I really do not like the empty feeling... My psychiatrist feels that I need to learn to tolerate the negative feelings that I would rather sleep through. True, I'm sure.

Whilst this is all lovely to analyze, this used-to-be-overly-driven individual has a great need for fixing and eliminating problems, and then moving on. I don't really want to just pick apart the reasons I would rather sleep - I would ultimately rather fix it. My psychiatrist asked me if I get much exercise, and I explained about my attempts at taking walks and running. He asked if I could do these things in the morning in order to get out of bed, and I explained that I have seriously tried to get up for these things, but it is just not working. I am here in part because what I am doing is not working. This much is clear. My bf tonight had a good suggestion. He said that I aim for too lofty goals. He noted that every day this week, I have gotten up around noon. So instead of setting my alarm for 8 or 9, I should set it for 11am. If I'm still not getting up, then set it for 11:30am. Make baby steps; aim for short term attainable goals and then move from there. I told him that sounds like a great idea! He said, "That'll be $50 and I'd like to see you twice a week for life." Ha! What a comedian... :O)

I actually spoke about this issue at length with my mom tonight, as I am out at my parents' house for the night. I don't normally talk about my emotional turmoil with my parents because I don't want to upset them, but once in awhile I feel the need to bring in recruitments when I'm really struggling with something. Last week I told my mom that I started on buspar for anxiety, and that was kinda a big step, too. I guess I'm trying to make some changes... My mom and I discussed the fact that maybe I need a hobby to fill in my empty time...something that I feel like getting up for. One would think that piano could be that thing for me, since it's something that I love. However lately piano has done nothing for me. Yesterday I played for 10 minutes before I couldn't take it any more - I got fed up with it quickly and it just wasn't filling the void I was feeling. We talked about possibly setting aside one day a week to teach piano lessons, but I talked about my fear of resenting this obligation. We discussed being careful for what you wish! We discussed my going back to get my masters, because even though I don't want to be a student for life, I do actually miss school, and that would fill some of my feelings of purposelessness...although I'm not sure if school would fill it in a good way or in a "hide it with busy-ness" way. We also talked about looking into some sort of class in the community: exercise, dance, hobby, something. I do know that these classes are offered in my area, but part of the problem is the unpredictability of my work schedule. I still think that all of these things are worth looking into.

I'm not going to solve this problem with my post tonight, but I felt like writing about it and getting it out. It actually is some sort of progress that I'm talking about these things with my family. Part of this may be coming from the fact that my psychiatrist told me today that he will be going away for a couple of weeks, and that always leaves me feeling a bit panicky. (However let it be known that I cannot STAND to feel that dependent on another human being... Interestingly enough, some of my biggest issues are with attachment and fear of abandonement, but I really do utterly despise being dependent on others for anything. So much of my life is a contradiction of concepts...) I realize he has every right to live his own life, but lately it seems like he tells me the week before he's going to be away, and then I have no time to mentally prepare for it. Instead of feeling completely alone, I have opened up some of my more recent issues with my family and bf so that I do have others to lean on in his absence. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I think it is ultimately good. I said above that what I have been doing is just not working for me, and so much of what my psychiatrist and I do is analyze why I feel a certain way. But now I can bring in my family and bf to help me pull through some of it. If they are aware that I am working on something, then maybe they can help me out with it a bit. Besides all this, I have many other things I'm trying to "work" on in some way, but this is more of a pressing matter. I cannot live with myself wasting away my life like this any longer. Other things require acceptance as opposed to "fixing", but this issue really requires some active work.

I actually do feel better writing some of this out... My plan for tomorrow is to get up around 9:30am (I know I will because I'm not alone in my apartment like usual - my mom will actually make sure I get up, no matter how much of a fight I put up to leave me alone to sleep...). I then would like to go running - even brought my running clothes and sneakers with me, and iPod too! My mom also suggested doing some 20-minute pilates, so maybe we'll do those together, too. She would like to get back into those, and I mentioned that I would, too. Then we plan to watch "House" that they recorded on DVR. My bf is coming over in the afternoon after work so that we can go get him a new cell phone and then hang out together. This all gives me some sort of purpose to my day tomorrow, which is a start! But how to carry this all over to my solo life when I truly am all by myself and have nobody pushing me to get out of bed? That's going to take a lot of work, but I'm open to suggestions.... That is, suggestions other than "Just do it" since that hasn't been working out so well for me, no matter how badly I want it to!